Unfortunately, I can't find a computer here that is able to upload my blog from the last almost 2 weeks. But in short: Life is being very sweet and I'm doing well. I'm gonna try to upload my blog from Igatpuri on Monday afternoon and otherwise next year, which is pretty soon...
I'm getting very nervous about the Vipassana and I already know that it's gonna be one of the most challenging and extrem experiences of my life! I hope I can manage it to get through these ten days without any physical or mental injuries. OK, I gotta go back to Ashram and do my daily Karma Yoga in the kitchen.
Hari Om
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
About releasing on ALL levels...;)
Friday, November 27th 09, 8.40pm
So, yesterday was "vaman"-day or vomiting and it was quite intense. First we had our Asana class as usual and then they told us to come down for vaman. Actually we did not stand in little groups with buckets as I originally thought. Nope. We all gathered at the road, then Prashant gave us a demonstration about how to vomit correctly. So odd! First he drank 6 glasses of warm salted water very quick and then he put his index and middle finger into his throat and puked out the water. It looked very easy. So, I thought alright, no problem. But then when I started drinking the water it was so different. The water tasted horrible, disgusting, so groce! It was so salty and tasted like chlorine. With each sip I got more sick and after one glass I could have vomited already naturally. Then I started crying. I don't know where that came from, but I started crying and couldn't stop. When I think of it now I must have looked quite funny actually: sitting on a road drinking saltwater, watching the others vomiting and crying a river. After 3,5 glasses of water I had enough. Though we were supposed to drink between 6 and 8 glasses I stopped and vomited everything out immediatly. The vomiting itself was not too bad. Some people couldn't get anything out and had to do some special exercises to get the water out naturally from the other side...The whole procedure was very intense and tiring for all of us. Some got even sick from it. For me personally it was very hard and I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it again in the near future.
Today was very hot again, which is unusual as it's becoming winter. Anyways, it's good for the muscles. I had a very good meditation for almost an hour with Karolina before dinner. I could feel an extremely powerful energy in my whole body and mind, which makes me looking forward to the Vipassana. Microlessons are going quite well so far and I'm happy to see how much we're able to learn in just one month. Other than that I'm thinking about going to Hampi after the Vipassana to teach Yoga at the Gazebo where Syriak is teaching Thai massage. He offered it to me when I was there. I think it would be a great oppurtunity to gain some experience and to make at least a little money. Even if I have only a few students per day, it's gonna help.
I'm still not sure what to do between the 8th and 21st. Maybe Gokarna, maybe Omkar, or Elora. I don't know yet...
Hari Om
Saturday 28th November, 9.25pm
Another day is over at the Ashram and it was another hot and awesome day in this universe. Today we had some more time to play with or at least some of us, cause they cancelled the lectures and gave us some extra time to work on our essays, which I finnished already a week ago. So, that gave me some time to play with. First I meditated for one hour and then I went with Robert and Sophie to a lake about half an hour away from the Ashram. It was an awesome walk, especially cause we normally never leave the Ashram besides Wednesadays, so it was a nice change. When we reached the lake there were just some waterbuffalos and theri shepherd, and us of course. We didn't think twice and jumped into the wonderful cold water, fully dressed! Well, due to the fact that we're in rural India and people are very conservative here we had the choice of swimming in clothes or not swimming at all. We chose the first option:) It was so great and refreshing. Then we looked quite weired probably: walking down the road totally soaked while the sun is shining. We were wondering if poeple thought "wow, these white guys must be really sweaty" or so. Today was Guruji's birthday and so the meditation hall, where we all gathered for the regular Saturday night chanting was beautifully colored with powder in patterns everywhere. Then the mantras were quite intense, I could totally dive into it and absorb the whole group energy. I'm thinking about Marty frequently. I just have to remember random situations that experienced together. My heart is still as connected as a week ago. Today when I meditated I purposly tried to concentrate on the pain in my heart to release it and go deep into it. It was very powerful and not easy to handel, but in the same time it helped a lot. Still don't know what to do between this and Vipassana-tonite I was thinking maybe to just go to the Osho Ashram fro that time, though it's very expensive. I'll find out then.
Hari Om
November Sunday 29th 2009 8.40pm
Funny I just tallked to another person here who is located in New York. I think it's been already at leat 4 people in this Ashram who used to live there or are living there at the moment. New York feels more like a country, like an entity on its own than a city.
From now on life's gonna be even more stressfull here, I guess. Tomorrrow we'll have another written assignement and then we have practical exams almost every day. In the final exams we have to hold two full Asana classes. Then in our evening discussion Gandhar gave us a lesson about discipline and awareness. He said that only 60% of us are focused right now and that we have to be more concentrated on the course. Then he made some other indirect general comments about us as group and that we're not as disciplined as former batches and so on. It sounded like we are disappointing or so, which I find pretty unfair if I think about how much we're investing into this course. Other than that everything is going on very well and I'm feeling good. Today I got an ayurvedic oil massage from one of our kitchen ladies, because I hurt my neck from too much Halasana. It was awesome - I love massages! I'm wondering what's gonna happen between Marty and me. It's interesting, when I talk with the people here I still say "my boyfriend" and then I wonder if I can still even say that. I'm getting calmer everyday in general and also about us, though I'm pretty curious about our next phone conversation.
This week they changed our schedule and we gonna be off on Tuesday instead of Wednesday. I don't want to go to Nashik this week, which also means no internet. I'll survive that I guess. But therefore I'll hopefully be able to take a little hike on the Hanuman mountain, where there's a lake on top and plenty of monkeys and a gorgeous view. I'm still wondering about what to do after this. Today I booked a week in the Kevalia Dham, which is another Yoga-Ashram/-hospital. It's good to have options.
Hari Om
P.S.:I was able to hold the Scorpion for almost 10 seconds today:)
Monday, November 30th 2009 8.30
OK, I finally know what I'm gonna do after this:) I'm going to the Osho Ashram with Stefan and maybe Wong. Before that I might go to the Ellora caves with the Ashram group. Now the only complication I see is that Stefan just told me that he's not sure if he wants to travel with Wong. Oh man, what a kindergarden. Anyways, I'm going that's for sure.
Today we had our last microlesson before our exams next week and eventhough I was a bit nervous today I got an awesome feedback which gave me a good encouragement. It's really interesting to see how different the personal experience is to what other people see in you. I felt really shaky and nervous and everybody told me that I was very confident and relaxed. Well, alright then:) I also changed my mind about the city tomorrow and yeah, I'm going to Nashik again. I want to see the doctor and maybe get an x-ray on my left knee and hip to finally find out what the heck is going on in there. The other thing is that an x-ray costs only 3 dollars here, which is another reason to go actually. The assignment today was quite interesting actually, as it was a little more individual. We had to plan Yoga/Pranayam sessions for a stressed executive and for elderly people. Wow, I still can't believe that I'm going to able to teach Yoga after this course. It's so exciting, but also a bit intimmidating when I imagine all these eyes on me expecting me to know everything...but hey, no risk no fun, right?!
Hari Om
Tuesday 1. december 9.50pm
Awesome and aweful in one day. In the morning I had another phone conversation with Marty, which was just very draining for me as it took away any hope for us. But on the other hand it was also very reliefing for me to finally get the point of having a final decision. And during the last days I've already been through the process of working on the thought and living different levels of it. So, of course I felt really sad and hurt - the next 3 hours my whole body was under extrem tension and I could just feel my entire nervous system being very stressed out and also my heartbeat went up a lot. It's so interesting to see how sensitive my system is. I like my system though it is a very aware and reliable system. So, after a while I was able to detache from my feelings and I started to remember that I am not these feelings and that I just have them, which made me able to become the observer. That grounded me a lot. And it allowed my inner core to come through it. The same core that has been talking to me recently more and more often, saying that going my own way is the right decision for now. It's just again, I must say here, so amazing how much I just can rely on it and should more. When I think back to the time that I was in Goa with Sonja this voice already became very powerful and told me already that the relationship has no future, that i'm ment to go my own way, that New York is not my place to be and that there's no reason fro being afraid of it, because my way is leading into a another beautiful direction. That voice was very very loud already, but I was too afraid to listen to it. I tried to ignore it; to bury it under beer and hopes. But I'm not disappointed or anything, if it sounds like it. No. I'm very glad that everything is how it is. I know that this might sound strange, because of course there's still some sort of pain. But I feel like this is the right thing even if now it might still hurt.
In Nashik I went to the doctor to finally finally get a correct diagnoses for my knee and yes I got it. I went to an Orthopedist and then after to a doctor who gives you Sonographie/Ultrasound and it turned out that due to the farmwork and running etc. my ligaments got overused and damaged. So, I have a so-called "runners' knee", which is apparently very rare, especially in my age group. It takes very long to heal and I'm not supposed to do any kind of sports. Yoga is very good though. He also recommended physio therapy and massage. I'm just very glad to know what the problem is, because after so many different diagnoses I got really concerend. After a nice lunch in Nashik I went back early to the Ashram and had an awesome walk with Stefan to Trimbauk (a small holy Indian town here) where we went to a huge temple where different ceremonies were going on. We had a very good talk and it turned out that he also just broke up with his girlfriend and that he was going through different things like me. I think it helped us lot to talk about it and then it turned out that we're totally into the same things! I mean travellingwise, which is rare in my case. Everybody who knows me a bit kinda knows how weired (for most people) my priorities are. But yeah, that's great. He also wants to take a big walking adventure in India and we gonna see where we'll end up. So, far for now. Tomorrow we have a huge exam and everybody here is sleeping alreasy, so I better switch off the light and get some sleep.
Hari Om
Wednesday december 2nd 09 8.40pm
I was so tired today, that was because I couldn't fall into sleep yesterday night, due to full moon and a late chai. Then we had our Parichay Asana exam today. First we had to do Pranayam, Abdominal lock and Neti (nasal cleaning) in the morning and then the Asanas in the afternoon. It was actually alright, nobody was nearly as nervous as the first time and everybody did quite well. Then we got our lesson for the trial session tomorrow. I'm gonna be giving it at 4pm and I picked such a weired mix of Asanas. One of them is Ashwiri Mudra, which is also called Horse Posture and guess what? Not because the posture lookes like horse. No! Because in that posture you have to move your anus like a horse after excretion in and out. And all that you gotta do while being in shoulderstand with bend knees. I don't know if I'll be able to hold my laughs back, but I guess it's nice to have some fun stuff in the lesson, too. So, tomorrow I will hold my first full Yoga lesson and I have mixed feelings about it. Of course it is cool to finally get started, but it's still a exam and so it makes me a bit nerous, as well. But I hope it's gonna be OK. Today they checked our weights again and almost everybody lost some kilos here, including me. I'm starting to look forward to the caves in Ajanta and Elora, though parts of me are getting sad about saying goodbye to this and to the people here. I still have to prepare my lesson tomorrow; tonite I'm too tired.
Hari Om
I was so tired today, that was because I couldn't fall into sleep yesterday night, due to full moon and a late chai. Then we had our Parichay Asana exam today. First we had to do Pranayam, Abdominal lock and Neti (nasal cleaning) in the morning and then the Asanas in the afternoon. It was actually alright, nobody was nearly as nervous as the first time and everybody did quite well. Then we got our lesson for the trial session tomorrow. I'm gonna be giving it at 4pm and I picked such a weired mix of Asanas. One of them is Ashwiri Mudra, which is also called Horse Posture and guess what? Not because the posture lookes like horse. No! Because in that posture you have to move your anus like a horse after excretion in and out. And all that you gotta do while being in shoulderstand with bend knees. I don't know if I'll be able to hold my laughs back, but I guess it's nice to have some fun stuff in the lesson, too. So, tomorrow I will hold my first full Yoga lesson and I have mixed feelings about it. Of course it is cool to finally get started, but it's still a exam and so it makes me a bit nerous, as well. But I hope it's gonna be OK. Today they checked our weights again and almost everybody lost some kilos here, including me. I'm starting to look forward to the caves in Ajanta and Elora, though parts of me are getting sad about saying goodbye to this and to the people here. I still have to prepare my lesson tomorrow; tonite I'm too tired.
Hari Om
Thursday ddecember 3rd 09 8.20pm
Oh gosh! The last days so many people here are getting sick. They're having stomach problems, colds, nausea, dyarrhea etc. So far our room was fine until today. I obviously got contaminated with something as my whole body hurts, my mouth is very dry, I have temperature and a lot of acid in my stomach and no appetite. And then I had my trial lesson today, too. I didn't even have energy to practice at all, so I just jumped into it. But to my surprise it went very well! I had a lot of fun guiding the class through the session and especially the mediative postures just came so naturally to me. I didn't even prepare about what I would say or do during the shavasanas, but it was great! I got an awesome feedback from everybody and the assesor even asked me if I'm a professional teacher. Wow! So cool:) I hope that this cold will disappear soon, I hate being sick. I just got a Reiki from Karolina, which felt really nice. Ouch, everything hurts. Besides that I'm doing very well. The fact that my heart is detaching more and more from Marty is giving me a very intense feeling of freedom and liberation, which is surprising and not. Anyways, I enjoy and embrace it as much as I can and try not to judge whatever feeling occurs to me. I feel save and I am full of faith in myself and in life. I am thankful!
Hari Om
P.S. I don't think about sex here at all, which is a very new and interesting experience for me. It helps a lot to stay focused and keep the mind/desires quiet. I could really imagine to spend a very very long time here. It feels like the perfect environment for me. I've never been to a country before where spirituality is such a natural part of daily life. I love it!
Oh gosh! The last days so many people here are getting sick. They're having stomach problems, colds, nausea, dyarrhea etc. So far our room was fine until today. I obviously got contaminated with something as my whole body hurts, my mouth is very dry, I have temperature and a lot of acid in my stomach and no appetite. And then I had my trial lesson today, too. I didn't even have energy to practice at all, so I just jumped into it. But to my surprise it went very well! I had a lot of fun guiding the class through the session and especially the mediative postures just came so naturally to me. I didn't even prepare about what I would say or do during the shavasanas, but it was great! I got an awesome feedback from everybody and the assesor even asked me if I'm a professional teacher. Wow! So cool:) I hope that this cold will disappear soon, I hate being sick. I just got a Reiki from Karolina, which felt really nice. Ouch, everything hurts. Besides that I'm doing very well. The fact that my heart is detaching more and more from Marty is giving me a very intense feeling of freedom and liberation, which is surprising and not. Anyways, I enjoy and embrace it as much as I can and try not to judge whatever feeling occurs to me. I feel save and I am full of faith in myself and in life. I am thankful!
Hari Om
P.S. I don't think about sex here at all, which is a very new and interesting experience for me. It helps a lot to stay focused and keep the mind/desires quiet. I could really imagine to spend a very very long time here. It feels like the perfect environment for me. I've never been to a country before where spirituality is such a natural part of daily life. I love it!
Friday December 4th 09 8.40pm
After a pretty rough start in the morning today I started to feel much better during the day. And now I'm almost OK again, though very tired still. Somehow I'm looking forward to the end of the course. I think it's because we're not learning anything new anymore and all the trial lessons are becoming really repetetive. Well, it's just 2 more days. My last exam is on Sunday. They just caught a Cobra in front of our dining hall. It's really funny how much wildlife we have around here. Ilo, Dawn and me are building a Solarwaterheater out of plastic bottles. We're hopefully finnishing it tomorrow and if it works it might be a good model for the villages around here, as it doesn't nees any electricity or power to work.
Hari Om
After a pretty rough start in the morning today I started to feel much better during the day. And now I'm almost OK again, though very tired still. Somehow I'm looking forward to the end of the course. I think it's because we're not learning anything new anymore and all the trial lessons are becoming really repetetive. Well, it's just 2 more days. My last exam is on Sunday. They just caught a Cobra in front of our dining hall. It's really funny how much wildlife we have around here. Ilo, Dawn and me are building a Solarwaterheater out of plastic bottles. We're hopefully finnishing it tomorrow and if it works it might be a good model for the villages around here, as it doesn't nees any electricity or power to work.
Hari Om
5.12.2009 Saturday 8.20pm
I feel so weak and tired and I'm having fever almost all day long. I just spoke to Katy and she said that it sounds like a bug that I'm having. Well, that would make sense as it goes around so quickly, too and everybody feels similar. Tomorrow I have my final exam and I'm not really prepared, because I was too weak for it. During the class today I had to lay down, because I couldn't even stay in sitting position without trembling. I really hope that this will disappear without taking any antibiotics! It's scary, especially because so many of us are getiing sick. It's every day a new case at least, mostly two or three. Tomorrow is also Talent Show and cooking session. I'm gonna cook with Robert, Nora and some others for the rest of us. We're making homemade pasta, two different sauces and two salads. I'll go to sleep already and hope to feel better tomorrow morning.
Hari Om
I feel so weak and tired and I'm having fever almost all day long. I just spoke to Katy and she said that it sounds like a bug that I'm having. Well, that would make sense as it goes around so quickly, too and everybody feels similar. Tomorrow I have my final exam and I'm not really prepared, because I was too weak for it. During the class today I had to lay down, because I couldn't even stay in sitting position without trembling. I really hope that this will disappear without taking any antibiotics! It's scary, especially because so many of us are getiing sick. It's every day a new case at least, mostly two or three. Tomorrow is also Talent Show and cooking session. I'm gonna cook with Robert, Nora and some others for the rest of us. We're making homemade pasta, two different sauces and two salads. I'll go to sleep already and hope to feel better tomorrow morning.
Hari Om
10pm Sunday 6th of December 09
It's over. We've just had the last evening all together. I'm a little bit sad actually. It turned out that Ilo, Sanna and Gandhar had a bad fight yesterday and my suspection about him turned out to be absolutely right: He has got the biggest EGO and is not wise, nor mature, calm or any of that, which is more than sad. I'm very very disappointed actually! And it's sad, that they gotta leave with a bad feeling.
The other weired special today was that "our" main Guru Swami Satyananda "went into Samadhi" or died. So, we were not allowed to have our Talent show, nor our Yogic party, nor our dinner. Instead we had to get together and sing Mantras for two hours. But at least we made two huge chocolate cakes for tomorrow. Then, ah yeah my final exam went very well actually! I went over the time for full 10 minutes, which took away a lot of points, but it was an awesome class and even our assesor said that it was great and everybody enjoyed it. I just didn't check the time when I started the class and then I didn't care anymore and I didn't even use my notes today. I loved it, especially the meditative parts in Shavasana I loved. Then I called Cyriac and asked him how the situation is in Hampi for teaching and he asked me to come over, because people have been asking for Yoga teachers! So, I'm going to teach Yoga in Hampi after my Vipassana! YAY! I'm very very excited, curious and of course nervous about it, but I think it's a great opportunity to make some teaching experience in a beautiful environment. AND, last but not least, I'm gonna be my own boss!
I felt really sick today. Again fever and I had to take paracetamol. After our exam we went to Trimbauk to spend our day there and instead of taking it easy we went to eat straight at a little dirty Indian "restaurant". It took maximum one hour until Karolina and me had the worst diarrhea. I'm not complaining, it's our own fault;) Later in the day I got completely dizzy. The symptoms are just so strange that Ican't put my finger on it. Just to be on the safe side I asked Marg to bring me an antibiotic from town today, so that I at least hve some sort of stand by medication in case that I'll be feeling worse and no doctor is around. Tomorrow morning at five my roommates are leaving already and it's so hard to imagine them not being around anymore. I think I especially will miss Karolina. She became a really nice friend during this month of sharing room, thoughts, feelings and most importantly food;) One more day in the Yoga Vidya Gurukul Ashram before the "cave group" is heading to Arjanta and I'm really looking forward to it!
Hari Om
It's over. We've just had the last evening all together. I'm a little bit sad actually. It turned out that Ilo, Sanna and Gandhar had a bad fight yesterday and my suspection about him turned out to be absolutely right: He has got the biggest EGO and is not wise, nor mature, calm or any of that, which is more than sad. I'm very very disappointed actually! And it's sad, that they gotta leave with a bad feeling.
The other weired special today was that "our" main Guru Swami Satyananda "went into Samadhi" or died. So, we were not allowed to have our Talent show, nor our Yogic party, nor our dinner. Instead we had to get together and sing Mantras for two hours. But at least we made two huge chocolate cakes for tomorrow. Then, ah yeah my final exam went very well actually! I went over the time for full 10 minutes, which took away a lot of points, but it was an awesome class and even our assesor said that it was great and everybody enjoyed it. I just didn't check the time when I started the class and then I didn't care anymore and I didn't even use my notes today. I loved it, especially the meditative parts in Shavasana I loved. Then I called Cyriac and asked him how the situation is in Hampi for teaching and he asked me to come over, because people have been asking for Yoga teachers! So, I'm going to teach Yoga in Hampi after my Vipassana! YAY! I'm very very excited, curious and of course nervous about it, but I think it's a great opportunity to make some teaching experience in a beautiful environment. AND, last but not least, I'm gonna be my own boss!
I felt really sick today. Again fever and I had to take paracetamol. After our exam we went to Trimbauk to spend our day there and instead of taking it easy we went to eat straight at a little dirty Indian "restaurant". It took maximum one hour until Karolina and me had the worst diarrhea. I'm not complaining, it's our own fault;) Later in the day I got completely dizzy. The symptoms are just so strange that Ican't put my finger on it. Just to be on the safe side I asked Marg to bring me an antibiotic from town today, so that I at least hve some sort of stand by medication in case that I'll be feeling worse and no doctor is around. Tomorrow morning at five my roommates are leaving already and it's so hard to imagine them not being around anymore. I think I especially will miss Karolina. She became a really nice friend during this month of sharing room, thoughts, feelings and most importantly food;) One more day in the Yoga Vidya Gurukul Ashram before the "cave group" is heading to Arjanta and I'm really looking forward to it!
Hari Om
Monday December 7th 3.30pm Nashik
I'M OFFICIALLY A YOGA TEACHER!!! AND I HAD TWO CHocLATE CAKES ALREADY:)
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