Tuesday, March 30, 2010

me and my 1st business card!



Wednesday, 24.03.2010 9.40pm
Our world is so full of millions and millions of little realities, some more little than others. I'm slipping like a freshly caught fish from hand to hand, from one environment into the other until I finally fall back into the sea again. Am I currently in water? Or am I hastily trying to breath in an environment in which there will never be air for me for it's simply not my element, water? Am trying to survive in a way that is not possible or am I aready back in the water and just dreaming of being caught? The world of maya sometimes plays games with us, but as long as we know that we are more than who we think we are as a person with all those social roles and our personality/characteristics, we are safe.
What scares me a bit at the moment is that I'm getting more and more used to this lifestyle here including all those amenities. I like it to have this lady at my aunt's place who daily cooks these delicious feasts for us, I like laughing about the goofy Tunisian "humour", I like the unresistable cakes and ice-creams from Salem (that's where as a kid already ate my cakes), I like strawling around in La Marsa and Sidi Bou Said and looking at those gorgeous white and blue houses in andalous style, I like my hair getting styled by a hairdresser (yesterday I went to a hairdresser for the first time in many years!) and I like sitting in the sun with a fresh mint tea with almonds. Is that a bad thing? Am I induldging? Is it bad to enjoy these things? But besides that it's just very interesting to see how relatively easily we are able to switch from one living situation or environment to another, which can't be more different than these two (Inida/Tunisia). Frankly, I think I'm just about to get a slight idea of what has been happening to me the last months including this one. The shift from being in India, in an Ashram environment where I hardly spent any money, where clothing, looks, possesions, prestige and social status were secondary! .. to Tunisia a society, which lives on show off, prestige, looks and where things that could be considered as superficial play the dominant role, is enormous! Not only the difference on the makro sociological level, but also on the mikro level are huge. I was living a life of an eagle, independent and free to fly with the wind whenever I want without the responsibility or bonds to anyone. Here I'm suddenly imbedded in a more or less traditional arabic family structure, where everybody sticks together, helps each other, but also with certain expectations to the personal behaviour. Besides our house in Nabeul, which is unfortunately about 1,5 hours away from the "main" area here, I don't have my own room either. I'm staying mostly at my aunt's, which is OK so far, but the energy here is very very different to what you would call a Yogic environment. Now, for example, I'm writing this while I'm lying on my aunt's bed next to my dad who is watching a soccer match. Before that I was meditating next door in another room while randomly people came in, looked at me totally irrittated and left again. It's a funny life situation I am in right now. It's almost too absurd to believe it sometimes. I'm learning loads and loads though, especially about staying connected with the Divine in yourself even in environments that are rather tough for that.

Friday 26.03.2010 1.30pm
I think I found one of the main problems in this society: Boredom! People don't know what to do with themselves. It seems to me that many are trying to "kill time" as they say themselves. "On channel x they're showing a match. Let's watch it and kill some time." Or "It doesn't make a difference if we stay at home or go out. Look, it's just boring like everything else." Then there's this general negativity that's in the air, which is kind of draining and annoying me. People are constantly! complaining about others and this in a very harsh tone. Especially in traffic you hear constant swearing.
Yesterday, I was in the car with my dad in La Marsa, and we passed an old man whom I'd seen before and already had thought that I would love to talk to him. He looks different, has a long white beard and wears different clothes. I'd say anywhereelse than here he'd probably wouldn't even be noticed, but here he's something special. Anyways, we passed him and both looked at him. The moment I wanted to ask my dad if he knew him he started already gossiping about that "clochard" as he called him. I said that he probably was an artist and that I want to meet him, but my dad was just shocked and looked at me full of dislike. He said that that would exactly be the man's problem and now his whole life would be over and a catastrophe, without house, car and money. Well, what can I say? I currently feel a bit lost in this mainstream of accumulationism. This whole "me in Tunisia teaching Yoga thing" turns out to be a lot more challenging than I initially hoped it would be. At the moment I don't feel like in my element at all, but much more very close to running out of breath in someones hand (if we stick to Wednesday's metaphore of a fish in the water). All these "friendly" little smalltalks without any content, and the smiling faces that are not really smiling go not only on my nerves, they totally irritate me. This way of competetive thinking especially among women makes me nuts! Hello? Somebody at home up there (brain) or in there (heart)?! Gosh, I'd like to meet some "normal" people and I really try not to be judgemental about all this, but I know I am with saying/thinking "normal". I'm just meaning some people who are just natural and a bit more open, loving, divers!
Yesterday I got my first business cards! That was nice. They have a pink lotus flower on them and my name in violet, as violet stands for spirituality and pink just looks nice;) I'm running a bit out of patience, but I hope that it'll get better. I think the living situation that I'm currently in doesn't necessarily help me to feel very much at peace either. We're mostly staying at my aunt's where it's constantly loud, especially in the nights as the boys usually stay up until about 4am and so it's not easy to keep any peace or spiritual routine. Then I'm never alone. There's hardly any possibility oh having some privacy as most of the time people hang out together either watching TV or chatting, which is fine, but not always and only, pleez! I don't want to sound to negative either. I just read the last sentences and thought, wow that sounds like hell. No, no it's not hell at all, but as I said before it's maybe not exactly my cup of tea for now.
Today we're spending our day in Nabeul and we're having a cleaning lady and some workers over who do some little things in the house that need to be done after the winter. I think we're staying over night and I'm really looking forward to sleeping a night in my bed in a peaceful, calm and beautiful environment.
Hari Om

Sunday 2.03.2010 10am
Want to leave leave leave!!! This just not where I belong and it'll never be! I feel totally isolated from everything that means something to me and instead surrounded with unimportant stuff. What the heck can I do?! I have no money, not even to leave this country, no income, nothing. I'm learning a very very good lesson right now: Never spend all your money to the last penny if you don't have a clue where and when to get more! This whole idea was not good at all. I hate it here.
Hari Om

Tuesday 30.03.2010 9pm
Got a massage today, which was awesome and very necessary as my shoulder were hard like rocks. Then I told her abbout my lower backpain, which I have since about 1-2 months (it started in Neyyar Dham). And she showed me that I'm starting to develop a curve in my spinal column, which pushes the lower vertebreas inside. I'm almost sure that this micro-inflammation comes from the backbending during Surya Namaskar, because I developed the pain as soon as I started doing it that way. And stubborn as I am, instead of stopping it, I pushed myself even more! Gosh, when will I learn my lesson finally? But it's so hard to slow down when you already have injuries somewhere else that stop you from going to the limits(my hips/knees).
My mental state is so so. I'm losing more and more motivation with each day that passes. I'm trying to keep myself busy by getting things done (like ID, flyers etc.) and family stuff, but the fact that I'm not teaching, yet, stinks! And I think my attitute of not being totally convinced/motivated/enthusistic doesn't make it better, as I believe in the law of attraction. But what can I do? It is what it is. I probably had way to high expectations of what would happen here. I thought I'd come and start teaching right away and that I would find tons of interested people waiting to get some Yoga from me. Hm, obviously it's not like that at all!
The weather is quickly getting warmer and warmer and it feels so nice to sit in the sun and to watch the Meditarrenean. God help me to stay open and courageous.
Hari Om
P.S.: The show-off-culture here is still irritating me. Practice still going well every morning, though I wish I had a teacher myself to work on some things.

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