Friday, April 16, 2010



Sunday 04.04.2010 10.44 am
These last few hours are finally the first ones in days without any depressive symptoms (so far). I went to bed happy and got up happy. Yay! I decided to buy a flight for Wednesday to Germany though I already know that I will miss the sun and the beautiful countryside and last but not least the sea, of course. But I feel like this is what I need now!
Hari Om

10.04.2010 Saturday 9.12pm
Why am I writing this? Originally I started this whole blog thing to share my experiences with friends and whomever else wants to read about it. But lately I'm having a really tough time and it's really hard for me to stay positive. So why continuing with this?

I want to be inspiring for anybody who is reading this right now and maybe having a hard time with whatever. Whatever it is, it will pass and if one keeps the heart open life will not leave you alone, but take care of you, also in these times. Currently I don't have any money! Not even to take the bus into town. I'm staying at my old appartment in my grandma's house where I fortunately get some food, too:) I don't know how to move on from here. I don't really see a concrete goal that I want to reach. I feel a little bit like a sailing boat with a broken rudder. The sails are working, but I can't really do anything about the destination...I'm having some ideas, but nothing sure, yet. Tomorrow I'm going to Bad Meinberg into the Yoga Vidya Ashram where I'm gonna do some sort of trial week in their online marketing section. On the one hand I'm quite curious and looking forward to it as it's a spiritual community and in a beautiful countryside, too. On the other hand the job doesn't really sound too great and I would only get money after 2 months work, which really stinks most! I guess I'll find out...
Hari Om

Friday 16.04.2010 12.36pm
Well, it's funny how time passes and then to really experience what I just wrote down on the 10th, that it's really happening: Everything passes!
I feel much much better. I'm at a point where I can just admit to myself without feeling guilty (so much;) anymore that I'm not sure, which direction to go and that's OK. I also realized that the pressure that was put on me lately by my environment is not helping me at all. And so I managed to get some distance to all those statements that I have to hurry up and that my youth is passing faster than I realize and that there's no time to play etc.
I'm giving myself time to figure out what makes most sense and what to do first and second and so forth. I might even stay here for while to get a job, save some money and maybe do take classes to become a holistic health practioner, which is not that expensive here. Meanwhile I would teach Yoga as often as possible. I already have another job interview on Monday for an outdoor/adventure travel agent. Doesn't sound too bad. The job in Bad Meinberg at the Yoga Vidya Ashram turned out to be as thought: Not for me! Everybody was absolutely lovely and the Ashram itself is amazing, as there are so many interesting courses going on. And I'm really glad that I went there. Because now I know for sure that I can't do that anymore ever (at least for now). I can't work in an office and I can't work in these mircrofields where you have small responsibility, but you never really see the result of your work. In terms of that I must say that I do miss the work at the valley shepherd! My work there was so independent and free and I had such a variety of different responsibilities that it never got boring. Ideally I'll find a similiar job somewhere here in Europe as it's easier with Visa etc. and I'm trying to get into it, but I guess that needs some time, too.
For now I apllied for a job at the Cirque du soleil in Cologne, which would be absolutely awesome. Eventually it feels right to be here now and it seems like things are starting to slowly fall into their place. Also the fact of being able to help my grandmother a bit is making me feel very happy. She's been feeling very weak these days and keeps falling, so that being here with her now is very important.
It's very cold outside and besides yesterday it still doesn't feel like spring at all. But it's fun to ride my bike anyways. Time to cook some veggies for lunch:)
Hari Om