me and my 1st business card!

Wednesday, 24.03.2010 9.40pm
Our world is so full of millions and millions of little realities, some more little than others. I'm slipping like a freshly caught fish from hand to hand, from one environment into the other until I finally fall back into the sea again. Am I currently in water? Or am I hastily trying to breath in an environment in which there will never be air for me for it's simply not my element, water? Am trying to survive in a way that is not possible or am I aready back in the water and just dreaming of being caught? The world of maya sometimes plays games with us, but as long as we know that we are more than who we think we are as a person with all those social roles and our personality/characteristics, we are safe.
What scares me a bit at the moment is that I'm getting more and more used to this lifestyle here including all those amenities. I like it to have this lady at my aunt's place who daily cooks these delicious feasts for us, I like laughing about the goofy Tunisian "humour", I like the unresistable cakes and ice-creams from Salem (that's where as a kid already ate my cakes), I like strawling around in La Marsa and Sidi Bou Said and looking at those gorgeous white and blue houses in andalous style, I like my hair getting styled by a hairdresser (yesterday I went to a hairdresser for the first time in many years!) and I like sitting in the sun with a fresh mint tea with almonds. Is that a bad thing? Am I induldging? Is it bad to enjoy these things? But besides that it's just very interesting to see how relatively easily we are able to switch from one living situation or environment to another, which can't be more different than these two (Inida/Tunisia). Frankly, I think I'm just about to get a slight idea of what has been happening to me the last months including this one. The shift from being in India, in an Ashram environment where I hardly spent any money, where clothing, looks, possesions, prestige and social status were secondary! .. to Tunisia a society, which lives on show off, prestige, looks and where things that could be considered as superficial play the dominant role, is enormous! Not only the difference on the makro sociological level, but also on the mikro level are huge. I was living a life of an eagle, independent and free to fly with the wind whenever I want without the responsibility or bonds to anyone. Here I'm suddenly imbedded in a more or less traditional arabic family structure, where everybody sticks together, helps each other, but also with certain expectations to the personal behaviour. Besides our house in Nabeul, which is unfortunately about 1,5 hours away from the "main" area here, I don't have my own room either. I'm staying mostly at my aunt's, which is OK so far, but the energy here is very very different to what you would call a Yogic environment. Now, for example, I'm writing this while I'm lying on my aunt's bed next to my dad who is watching a soccer match. Before that I was meditating next door in another room while randomly people came in, looked at me totally irrittated and left again. It's a funny life situation I am in right now. It's almost too absurd to believe it sometimes. I'm learning loads and loads though, especially about staying connected with the Divine in yourself even in environments that are rather tough for that.

Friday 26.03.2010 1.30pm
I think I found one of the main problems in this society: Boredom! People don't know what to do with themselves. It seems to me that many are trying to "kill time" as they say themselves. "On channel x they're showing a match. Let's watch it and kill some time." Or "It doesn't make a difference if we stay at home or go out. Look, it's just boring like everything else." Then there's this general negativity that's in the air, which is kind of draining and annoying me. People are constantly! complaining about others and this in a very harsh tone. Especially in traffic you hear constant swearing.
Yesterday, I was in the car with my dad in La Marsa, and we passed an old man whom I'd seen before and already had thought that I would love to talk to him. He looks different, has a long white beard and wears different clothes. I'd say anywhereelse than here he'd probably wouldn't even be noticed, but here he's something special. Anyways, we passed him and both looked at him. The moment I wanted to ask my dad if he knew him he started already gossiping about that "clochard" as he called him. I said that he probably was an artist and that I want to meet him, but my dad was just shocked and looked at me full of dislike. He said that that would exactly be the man's problem and now his whole life would be over and a catastrophe, without house, car and money. Well, what can I say? I currently feel a bit lost in this mainstream of accumulationism. This whole "me in Tunisia teaching Yoga thing" turns out to be a lot more challenging than I initially hoped it would be. At the moment I don't feel like in my element at all, but much more very close to running out of breath in someones hand (if we stick to Wednesday's metaphore of a fish in the water). All these "friendly" little smalltalks without any content, and the smiling faces that are not really smiling go not only on my nerves, they totally irritate me. This way of competetive thinking especially among women makes me nuts! Hello? Somebody at home up there (brain) or in there (heart)?! Gosh, I'd like to meet some "normal" people and I really try not to be judgemental about all this, but I know I am with saying/thinking "normal". I'm just meaning some people who are just natural and a bit more open, loving, divers!
Yesterday I got my first business cards! That was nice. They have a pink lotus flower on them and my name in violet, as violet stands for spirituality and pink just looks nice;) I'm running a bit out of patience, but I hope that it'll get better. I think the living situation that I'm currently in doesn't necessarily help me to feel very much at peace either. We're mostly staying at my aunt's where it's constantly loud, especially in the nights as the boys usually stay up until about 4am and so it's not easy to keep any peace or spiritual routine. Then I'm never alone. There's hardly any possibility oh having some privacy as most of the time people hang out together either watching TV or chatting, which is fine, but not always and only, pleez! I don't want to sound to negative either. I just read the last sentences and thought, wow that sounds like hell. No, no it's not hell at all, but as I said before it's maybe not exactly my cup of tea for now.
Today we're spending our day in Nabeul and we're having a cleaning lady and some workers over who do some little things in the house that need to be done after the winter. I think we're staying over night and I'm really looking forward to sleeping a night in my bed in a peaceful, calm and beautiful environment.
Hari Om

Sunday 2.03.2010 10am
Want to leave leave leave!!! This just not where I belong and it'll never be! I feel totally isolated from everything that means something to me and instead surrounded with unimportant stuff. What the heck can I do?! I have no money, not even to leave this country, no income, nothing. I'm learning a very very good lesson right now: Never spend all your money to the last penny if you don't have a clue where and when to get more! This whole idea was not good at all. I hate it here.
Hari Om

Tuesday 30.03.2010 9pm
Got a massage today, which was awesome and very necessary as my shoulder were hard like rocks. Then I told her abbout my lower backpain, which I have since about 1-2 months (it started in Neyyar Dham). And she showed me that I'm starting to develop a curve in my spinal column, which pushes the lower vertebreas inside. I'm almost sure that this micro-inflammation comes from the backbending during Surya Namaskar, because I developed the pain as soon as I started doing it that way. And stubborn as I am, instead of stopping it, I pushed myself even more! Gosh, when will I learn my lesson finally? But it's so hard to slow down when you already have injuries somewhere else that stop you from going to the limits(my hips/knees).
My mental state is so so. I'm losing more and more motivation with each day that passes. I'm trying to keep myself busy by getting things done (like ID, flyers etc.) and family stuff, but the fact that I'm not teaching, yet, stinks! And I think my attitute of not being totally convinced/motivated/enthusistic doesn't make it better, as I believe in the law of attraction. But what can I do? It is what it is. I probably had way to high expectations of what would happen here. I thought I'd come and start teaching right away and that I would find tons of interested people waiting to get some Yoga from me. Hm, obviously it's not like that at all!
The weather is quickly getting warmer and warmer and it feels so nice to sit in the sun and to watch the Meditarrenean. God help me to stay open and courageous.
Hari Om
P.S.: The show-off-culture here is still irritating me. Practice still going well every morning, though I wish I had a teacher myself to work on some things.

The last days in a nutshell

I just came back from a meeting with a man who offered me too teach in his fitness center. Eventhough it's kinda faresh and small I think it's good to start with. Besides that my uncle organized me two open spaces in his center in La Marsa. I also met some lovely lovely people on Friday at that beautiful "espace Zmorda". They told me about another center where apparently a guy from Rishikesh is giving workshops this months. That's really unbelievable! Then I met a lovely Yoga teacher from Morocco who also just settled here. It seems like things are starting to get moving, which gives me some motivation to move on and signs that I'm on the right way. Especially meeting other Yoga people who share the same interests and have a great energy feels awesome. Other than that I just got my dad from the airport. He's gonna stay 2 weeks with me. I have to be careful with all the delicious little cakes they sell here. It's so tempting...
I'm so thankful for all this, which surrounds me and gives me feeling of beeing secure. Especially my family here is just being so sweet, loving and helpful with so many things. Thanks to them I feel better and more like home.
Hari Om
P.S. On the pic you see my sweet little Babyfriend, who is also my cousin's daughter.

Wednesday 17.02.2010 8pm
Today was a very nice, but also sad day. Nice, because I felt very balanced and joyfull. Sad, because Aki left today:( Actually we became very very close the last days here. I love her so much! She gave me some her clothes and I gave her some of mine, so that we can think of each other when we are apart. She even left me a little toe ring with a cute little message on my bed and she has the other one. We just immediately clicked and had so much fun together. After my encounter with Aki I'm sure now: I was Asian in my former life! So sure! And I know that I really really wanna go to Japan for a while. Ideally I want to work there a bit and see Aki again. She said she wants to come to Germany and Tunisia on her next travel. Oh, that would be so nice! When I brought her to the bus today she had to cry and hugged me with all her heart and I hugged her back. She's just so real, so natural, so balanced. I learned so much from her. I wish more people were like her, then our world would be much better. The vibe here is constantly changing as so many people are always coming and going. Much more coming than going actually. I think we're at least 400 people now. I'm here now for 8 days and my practise is getting better and better from day to day. Today in my afternoon class I did the best Dhanurasana ever. It's really amazing to see how quickly one can actually improve with a good and regular practise. Also, I must say compared to the first days I feel so much healthier. Just being here makes me feel very good. The getting up early, all the chanting in the morning and in the evening I love so much, then the sattvic food and the Asanas are just so beneficial for body and mind. Our lectures are pretty cool, too. We got a new lecturer, who is a young Canadian woman who lives in the Sivananda Ashram in Toronto. She is so awesome! First of all she knows a lot is great at explaining it and she has an amazing energy. This stay here is showing me one more time where I'm heading or better to say it's pointing out my way: There's no other way for me (now) than to seek a serious spiritual way. I want to find "my" Ashram where I can seriously study more Yoga. Somewhere where they have similar schedule like here, with a good balance between Bhakti, Raja and Karma Yoga. Maybe with a little more Jnana. But I'm so gratefull already for the chance to be here. I was thinking that today during the lecture, which was on a thatched roof with a view over the Keralan mountains and then around all these great people from all over the world. My energy level here is sometimes as high as during my Vipassana. For example the day before yesterday night I felt so much Prana flowing though my body that I just couldn't sleep until about 1 am. I still got up at 5.30 for Stsang and participated in all the activities with full power. I still get so impressed by the power of Yoga. God I can't say how thankful I am for having the chance to experience Yoga. From the first time I've done Asanas it totally changed my life. I remember when I was first practising and I just totally overwhelmed and thought "oh gosh, this feels like sex, is it supposed to be like that? is anybody else feeling like that? this is AMAZING!" And it's getting deeper and better and more intense and more amazing and has an impact on every sngle part of my life. Nothing stays untouched, nothing is the same anymore. One interesting development happened on the level of desires or sexual energy. When I compare it to the last years I can see a huge shift: There's no more craving for sexual adventures, no more uncontrolable energy. Now my sexual energy feels much more under my control, much more like a potential energy that I can use and not the other way around. At least for the moment I don't have any any interest. And there are various opportunities here. I was just thinking the other day a Spanish fellow arrived here who usually couls have totally been my type and we immediately got along well. But, no. No interest. I don't know if it is because I'm still connected to Marty or if it's something different. Fact is though that I could not imagine to have any physical contact with somebody right now. My intuition tells me that the next man I sleep with will be the father of my children. I don't know if that'll be true or not, but that is what a very strong voice is telling me now. And there's another thing I know: The next man I'll be with will be my Guru, too. And I don't mean this literally. But it's gonna be somebody that I can learn from spiritually from. I think that's why I loved Marty so much and still do. Because our energies were just vibrating on very similar, very high level and that was what always inspired me so much.
I'm looking forward to see my family, Sonja, maybe Ada and Charly. I'm looking forward to Tunisia, to teaching Yoga, to having my own space, to staying at a place for a while. I'm looking forward to taking a big risk, to having faith, to creating my own world, to give something back to the wonderful world out there, to give the people in Tunisia the chance to learn more about Yoga! I hope that I'll find a way to keep my energy there on a similar high level as here. Everybody went on the silent walk tonight (besides the new lady here and her little cute daughter), which means that I finally have some time for myself and for my book. So, I'm gonna read for little while.
Hari Om
P.S.: I also met a very interesting German man from Berlin who's also into Tantra. It was just extremely interesting to talk to him, because we immediately were able to switch from small talk level to much deeper levels. I hope we stay in touch, too.

Friday 19.02.2010 5.25pm
Ouch, my poor legs. We, Shannon (she sleeps right next to me in the dorm) and Thomas (a German fellow I met here), went for a nice little hike up on one of the mountains around the Ashram. It was real fun walk actually and unexpectedly leading though very different countrysides. We even had to climb a bit and then cross a river in the middle of a gorgeous jungle area. The place was so secluded and so wild that we were seriously concerned about crocodiles whenever we saw something dark in the water. It's a crocodile area here and also famous for some yellow water-snakes. Anyways we survived and after a rough hike up we finally reached the top totally soaked. I think I've never sweated as much as here. It's just so hot and humid, you make a step and you sweat. Average showers per day are 3-4. There were no apparent paths that led up but we were very very lucky or blessed as we met two men in the middle of nowhere exactly when we needed them and they guided us until we could continue by ourselves. Today is our day off, which means that there's no lecture and Satsang and Asana classes are optional. Most of us went with the Ashram to Kanyakumari, which is the southmost point of India. The trip sounded absolutely amazing and I'd already signed up for it when I had to find out that when you're menstruating you're not allowed to enter any temples. And that's what the entire trip is mainly about. So, I unfortunately had to cancel. but nevermind, it's just not meant to be and as I know now it was much better to stay. Otherwise I would have missed this beautiful hike. Besides that it feels very nice to just have some time to read, write the blog, talk to people or just to relax on my bed. Time, which usually don't have the time for. I still haven't booked my train ticket to Mumbai-somehow I'm very hesitant to buy the ticket. I don't know why though. Maybe it is because I've already bought the flight ticket and cancelled it already once. Sometimes it's really not easy to plan here, as everyday something might happen that totally changes your plans. I wish I had normal legs! My hips and knees are being kind of really bad these days. This Ashram really becomes more and more comfi; the longer I stay, the more I appreciate it. I was even thinking about taking the TTC and ATTC with Sivananda. I mean that doesn't mean that this is my next goal, but I would definitevely take it into considaration. Well, one thing I know is: I totally want to take another teacher training as soon as possible. This can be in India, but could also be somewhere else. i want to get more information about the 3 months course at the Yoga school of Bihar. I want to go more into depths and do some serious studies. I wonder if they have some sort of daily schedule that they could show me to get a better idea. Then there's that Yogoda Satsanga Society that was founded by Yogananda Pramahansa, which sounds quite interesting, too. They have their headquaters in California. That would be a wonderful chance to finally check the west coast out, too. The other idea that always keeps coming up is to get in contact with that Yoga center at the Canadian westcoast in B.C. But that's all for later. Now I have to concentrate on Tunisia. Everyday I'm meeting more inspiring people who are just beautiful living examples of what is possible to realise in life if you really want it. There's this very young Canadian girl who already runs her own Yoga studio since 1 year and she's very happy with it. I know I can do it and I will if it's meant to be! Full POWER!
Hari Om

Monday 22.02.2010 11.10am
Time passes fast. More and more people are leaving the Ashram for different destinations and also my departure date is coming closer. I finally booked a train ticket. I'm leaving this Sunday in the morning at 8 am and will only arrive in Mumbai the day after at 5pm! Then I have to wait until 2am when my flight will leave for Frankfurt. From Frankfurt I gotta take another train to Essen. I wish I had enough money to buy at least a domestic flight from here to Mumbai, but that's unfortunately not possible. Time here at the Ashram is still as beautiful as ever. Yesterday mroning we got a nice surprise: We walked up the temple hill again and watched the sunrise all together. It was breathtaking! In the evening we had our talent show and I must say we have some absolutely amazing talents here. Some people sang and had just gorgeous voices and two Indian guys did some dancing, which was incredible. The funny thing was that during the dance the whole atmosphere in the room became totally sexual. It was almost like if all the supressed sexual desire once had a chance to come out. I also got very excited and found myself smiling from one ear to the other and giggling and shouting, clapping etc. Oh, boy I would have loved to dance, too. So, that was a fun day. My practice is getting a little bit better from day to day. Yesterday I could manage to get into the scorpion and stay for a while. then I could even come from the headstand into the scorpion, which is an amazing progress actually.On the other hand I have to admit also that my body is really sore. All the Asana practice and the hiking is quite a lot for this body. Yesterday I had the chance to talk a little bit more to the other Akiko in my room and it was quite interesting as she is a Macrobiotic teacher and so two food nerds finally found each other and could exchange thoughts and infos for a while. But that made me want to go to Japan even more. Today I was wondering about how it'll be for me in Tunisia from the perspective of being a single woman there. And then I had to remember a couple of horror stories that I was told, where some single women got killed and robbed in their own houses. Of course, that won't stop me from doing my thing, but frankly it leaves some worries back in my belly. Though I try to have faith in life and just to trust. I guess these doubts are just part of my way, which I chose. Then I thought for a moment "wow, I'm gonna be the Vivekananda (he was the first one who brought the science of Yoga to America) of Tunisa";) Yeah, the ego always finds a way to get fed...I spoke with Joanna, the lady who has her studio in Canada and it is very impressive what she's doing. Her studio is very very successfull and she has a Karma Yoga system and does a lot of charity, too. I'm absolutely convinced that this is the only way. Only if you give and share your success you will always get even more back than would have ever thought you could get. Actually yesterday I was so full of joy, energy and love that it at times really was like feeling the Divine right in me. When I'm doing my Asanas these days I can feel each Chakra strongly vibrating and the energy powerfully extending throughout my entire body. Yesterday when I released the Jalandhar Bandha it almost was like having rays of light coming out of my throat. Thank you for letting me be here, for giving me these incredible insights into life into my real self!
Hari Om

Saturday, 27.02.2010 3.35pm
What a day already! Today was supposed to be my last day here at the Ashram as my train to Mumbai leaves tomorrow at 8am from Trivandrum. But as we all know by now: Nothing, but really NOTHING is set in stone in Inida. So, when I went to confrim my Taxi for tomorrow morning I had to find out that there's thas huge huge festival going on tomorrow and that no vehicles will be able to enter the city. My first thught was, of course, to leave today then instead of tomorrow and to stay overnight in Trivandrum...but EVERYTHING is booked out as there will be 10 thousands of people! What to do? The only possibility I saw was to get a flight on Monday, but how with an empty card? I started sweating, panicking, running around, calling hotels, checking the internet for a miraculous cheap flight. Then I finally decided to ask for help from two sides: First from my parents and from Ganesha. To make it short, after some phonecalls and more sweating and praying I was able to book a flight with my parents' card. Thank you so much for this my dears, you saved me here and thank you Ganesha for helping me again. The other day you helped me also when I needed you so much. Besides this whole little drama I'm very good and I also had an absolutely awesome day yesterday. We went on an excursion to Kanyakumari, where we visited many temples, swam in the see and (my favourite) went to Vivekanda's meditating cave on a rock at the southmost point of India, where the 3 Oceans meet. The energy was very strong there. Oh gosh I just feel so relieved from that pressure today and I think also that was meant to fly to Mumbai and not to take the train. Why? Because my very strong aversion about taking the train, which normally don't have that much and also because I've already booked a flight to Mumbai and cancelled it. So, I should've just gone with my initial feeling! Another opportunity to learn:) I'm so thankful for this experience and so thankful that it all worked out so well in the end. Thank you!
Hari Om

Sunday 28.02.2010 3.30pm
Well, this is the day before I'll leave this wonderful and in the same time terrible country that taught me so much about myself and others. And I'm not sad at all, because I know now. I know what I found here I can have everywhere and if I want this here again I can always come back, whenever I want. Because life loves me and takes care of me. Always. I'm safe. Right now I'm considering an Ashram life as a real alternative to whatever else we want to call the outside world. Because this life makes me feel so good! So, I'll see what Tunisia will bring, but in case that it will not carry the fruits that I'm hoping for, I think I might I will commit for at least for one year at an Ashram, maybe even a Sivananda Ashram. I've spent here three weeks now and I really love it in all its aspects. The reason why I can appreciate it so much is probably especially because of its openness for so many different kinds of people and backgrounds. Yesterday we had our talentshow again and even those people who got up on stage without a particular talent and who in a another environment would have gotten booed at, got a beautiful feedback from a very loving audience. It was again an awesome evening with a lot of energy, astonishment, emotions and a lot of laughter. I'm so so happy that I came here for my last 3 weeks, that was the best decision that I possibly could've made. I met so many beautiful people here, too. Today Akiko and me had a very interesting conversation with a lady from Thailand who is a Nature Cure practitioner. She knows a lot about health and nutrition and has herself a very interesting biography. It's funny how often I got in contact with this Nature Cure Therapy since I'm in India. This is now the 3rd concrete time that I met people from that field who had themselves amazing results. Next time I defenitevely want to stay at a Nature Cure hospital for a while. Until then I'll try to stick to their nutritional approach, which recommends only 1 cooked meal per day between 10am and 2pm, because it's the time of the day when our digestive system works best. Then one has two fruit meals, one in the morning and one in the evening. This system is supposed to keep your system pure and apparently protects it from any kind of disease. Important is that the food that one takes in is alive! So, any cooked item, like rice, should be accompanied by some raw veggies. Also they advise to stay away from any dairy, so pretty much like in a traditional Yogic diet. Actually Naturepathy claims to be the way of life that the old Yogis used to live. I'm very much looking forward to my journey tomorrow, eventhough it's gonna be a long one, I don't mind. I quite enjoy being at airports, they give me the feeling to be outside of the reality bubble. No duties, no time, nobody you know. You are just there. Today I'm skipping the afternoon Asana class after I learned my lesson this morning. I participated eventhough I felt very weak and sore and so the whole class was like torture. Now I'm having the whole dorm to myself, which is the first time in ages that I'm actually alone. So nice. Listening to Regina Spektor...
Hari Om

Wednesday 03.03.2010 16.15
After a beautiful morning Asana class I packed my stuff and headed off to the airport. To my surprise Janike, our lecturer, gave the class this morning and I loved her class so much! She's got such a strong and positive energy - I immediately felt that when I met her for the first time and I knew that I can learn a lot from her. After the class I went to her to say goodby and to thank her and I almost cried. It's funny how sometimes your emotions just come out without any announcement. Anyways, my journey went on quite smooth and nice. In Mumbai I had about 8 hours to kill before my flight to Frankfurth would leave and so I hung out in the waiting room, where I met Dinesh. He's an Indian fellow who leaves in Austin since 25 years now and who's a Sannyasin. It was quite interesting to talk to him and then to my surprise I met him again in Frankfurt, which was really nice, too. The other interesting sychronicity that day happened when I was on my way to check in. I walked, looked up and looked directly into these beautiful innocent familiar eyes that belonged to my friend Prashant. Prashant is one of my Yoga teacher from my TTC at Yogapoint. The poor guy was so excited and anxios as he was on his way to Bejing to his new job and he never left India before. It was even his first time at an airport I think. He was so happy to see me and me, too actually. So, that was nice.
Arriving in Germany was quite unspectacular as I had already prepared myself mentally the days before. So, the shock was not really bad, though the weather here was much colder than expected. It was just 2 degrees minus and I was wearing Birkenstocks and a T-shirt. Then when I got on the train from Frankfurt to Essen I immediately met another man, who funnily also is a Sannyasin. He's a Dutch guy who is into spirituality and travelling and it was quite fun to talk with him also. When I arrived in Essen my dad awaited me there with brightest smile and a very nice long hug. That was a good start. And to my surprise he didn't even say anything about my nosering, which pretty unusual for my dad. So, that was double-cool. From there went to my gramma who was already waiting with a homemade cake and some awesome lunch. I spend most of the day talking to her and then later to my mum and little brother, before I fell into my bed at around 10pm, which was already 2am Indian time.
According to what dad told me about the situation in Tunisia, Yoga is exploding at the moment. And apparently there are only a handful teachers yet. He even organised some contacts of fancy health clubs where I can start teaching immediately after I arrive. Everything sounds perfect and still I'm doubting. My inner voice is not sure about this step, there are still some imbalances about the whole project. But what can I do? I again will have to go and find out myself what's it gonna be and how it's gonna feel. Apparently there's another Yoga teacher from France who's already been teaching in NY and who spent some time in India as well. Is that threatening or more a chnace of making a new friend? I'd like to see it as a chnace to make a new friend, though first I heard it was a bit intimmidating. I'm just afraid of people's expactations and that I won't be able to meet them! Gosh. OK, think positive, because that's the only way.
If I had some money or some sort of income or so I would immediately go back to Ashram life and continue where I stopped. I was even thinking about renunciation lately more and more. Why? Because more and more sign keep coming up that kind of direct me that way and I'm wondering if that is maybe where I'm supposed to go eventually. Just as one example, but if I look at the fact of lust, for instant, I can frankly say that there's just none. Nothing at all, no interest in men at all! And this is a very new phenomena in my life. To abstinent without any effort? I never experienced such a thing before. So, this a very interesting new experience, which makes me think about many things like Sannyasin, for example. But I'm sure life will show me eventually where I'm supposed to be. Other than that I'm just very happy to be here, at my Gramma's, right now. I had to remember again how quiet and gorgeous it is here and how much peace there is. I'm gonna meet Sonja, Ada and Charlie later. they're coming here for a little visit and I'm really looking forward to seeing them after 6 months. I'm reading about "Integral Healing" by Aurobindo right now. It's quite interesting, so I'm gonna go back to it...
Hari Om

Friday 05.03.2010 2.50pm
Govinda Gopala Narajana....
On the road again or still? Or better to say in the air again! I'm sitting on our flight from Duesseldorf to Tunis and my dear mum is sitting right next to me. I.m listening to spiritual chants and am reading about different Yoga styles in the German Yoga Journal, while I'm dreaming about my Yogic destiny in Tunisia. I'm feeling a bit nervous, but after all there's also a very good feeling of connectedness deep underneath any kind of momentary excitement, which is great. When I look at all those Tunisians around me it's kind of hard to imagine that anybody would sincerely be interested in Yoga. But I should not even start to speculate or to allow my mind to be prejudgemental or judgemental at all. I wonder when I will finally learn my lesson that it is absolutely senseless to build an opinion aboout people without knowing them. Well, I hope I'm slowly getting there.
Life is so funny and so incredibly unpredictable! Four months ago I was picturing myself in NY at this point oof time and now I'm in a plane to Tunisia to teach Yoga and maybe start my own business. Dear gods, please give me the courage to always act from my heart and the courage to stay open. Please let me stay faithful even in difficult situations and please help me to make some money to support myself. Omnamashivaya.
Hari Om
P.S.: Something really important became clearer these last days: I'm spending to much energy on too many ideas instead of concentrating on merely one thing. Being creative and getting inspired is great, but I should try not get distracted and lose the focus.

Sunday 7.03.2010 8.44pm
It's pouring outside and it's a bit cloudy inside, too. After we arrived on Friday we went to my aunt's place and hung out for a while and then to my other aunt's place. Yesterday we took it easy and went to the local food market, cooked and walked along the beach, which was really nice. Today we were invited again for a family lunch and we were 14 people all together. It's kinda nice to see them again, especially my cousins who are a little bit like sibblings to me as I know them since they were born and they know me. But it's also strange as one of them has a little daughter already and one is pregnant now and many are either married or about to get married. When we were talking about my uncle who is the only one who is not married yet at an age of 48 I compared myself with him and said that I'm his female version. But nobody really found it funny and my aunt looked at me quite shocked and said that I was a woman and he a man and that I shouldn't talk like that. That I shouldn't be silly and that "they" will find a man for me. Holy cow! I feel like a superweirdo! I'm sitting in a country where many people don't even know what Yoga is. Of course, I'm trying to stay positive and cheerful, but frankly it's not easy. Especially, because there's no one supportive from a spiritual perspective. What a shift from India where I was surrounded by hundreds of more or less like-minded people to here, where I feel like trapped in a little bubble of matterialistic stuff. I don't know if I can handle this, if I'm strong enogh to start this Yoga all by myself. I think it is doable, but I don't know if this is the thing that I am supposed to do right now. Being here shows me also how indifferent I feel about any of this "stuff". I have this house that I can use, I have this brandnew car that I can use and have my well-off family here, too. But I don't care at all! I prefer my old bed in a dorm with the same simple food every day and the same schedule, but with a beautiful spiritual atmosphere and regular spiritual practice. Here though I get up early and do my Pranayama, short meditation and Asanas I have to push myself hard to do it. I feel like in a golden cage! I want to flee, but where? I can't see a way back into the regular working economy. But without a little amount of money not even a spiritual life in an Ashram seem to work. I'm really wondering about what the Divine wants me to do and where to go. Should I stay or should I go? I need spiritual company, I need Satsang! Jaya Ganesha Pahimam, Jaya Ganesha Rakshamam.
Hari Om