November 18th 9.20pm
Today was a hard day for me. Not only because the day in the city was very stressfull and intense in terms of noise and just pace and people.
I got a phone today, which finally gave me the opportunity to talk to Marty for a while in a more or less private environment. Well, we talked about us and came to the conclusion that we will not continue our relationship. It turned out that we’re staning at two different points in our lives or we see ourselves from different viewpoints in the relationship. I feel ready to take the path of being together with everything that this can mean, like sharing a home, sharing fears, maybe children and sharing what you just call life. But my intuition was right again, cause I was feeling this already for some time. Marty doesn’t feel the same way and I’m glad that he told me tonite. He’s not ready to for major changes and these thoughts make him anxious, which is, of course, not a good and balanced bases for a relationship. Of course, it hurts a lot, but that’s how it is now and I will have to deal with it. Everything changed now for me from now to then. Change is the rule of nature and I’m curious what this change will bring me…
Hari Om
P.S. I got my nose pierced.
November 19th 1.15pm
What a rough start into the day. I got hardly any sleep last night and every time I woke up I remebered Marty and each time I was wondering if it’s just a bad dream or true and every time it hurt again in the same way. It’s almost like I’m only starting to realize what happened yesterday. Then during the mantra session I got suddenly totally emotional and bursted into tears, the same happened during the Asana class afterwards. I left out breakfast as well, as I didn’t feel anything like to eat. Yoga Nidra (this is also called Yogic sleep, where you’re in between beeing awake and asleep) helped me alittle bit to calm my mind and free it from dwelling on that topic. I’m not sure if our decision was right to end this relationship. Yes, it’s a very tough situation we have to deal with and Marty’s anxiety about us, which appears when we’re apart, is definitevely something to think about. But I’m wondering, if this is something that can be worked on or not. I also wonder if it wouldn’t be a better idea if he just came here like planned and we’ll just see what happens. On the other hand this is again very stressful for me then as nothing is gonna be fixed or let’s say no decision will be made and no plans about us staying together. This is so tricky! I love him and I love us together. I just don’t know what to do and what is the right decision. I mean from our former experience it was always that we were perfectly fine as soon and as long as we were together. Now the question is also can I deal with his doubts that he continuously has when I’m away? The answer is: I don’t know it and how could I? I tried to call today, but nobody answered, so I send him a text and asked him to call me in the evening. I didn’t get an answer so far and I don’t know if it’s because he just didn’t write me back or if I just can’t receive the text, like with my mum’s. I hate this situation of not even being able to communicate face to face and then this speculating about what happened and so on. I feel very very sad and my belly hurts from that.
November 20th 9pm
I never received a call yesterday, so I called today and found out that he never got the text and when I asked him to call me back it didn’t work either. I assume the phone I bought is broken, cause he could call me on Marg’s phone. Anyways, we didn’t have much time on the phone and it felt rushed, cause for me it was right during and after Karma Yoga and he needed to go to bed, as he had to get up so early the next day for selling. I recommended to him that he should come to India as originally planned and then we would see what happens. He seemed to be already kind of settled in his decision or mood of being out of the relationship, which kind of hurts me even more I must say. I mean the phone call is just 2 days ago and he already feels more like it’s over. Still I don’t feel bad about calling him, cause I think it’s a good thing to try anything when you feel like doing it. I don’t want to regret anything or keep asking myself if I tried any possibility to make it work as long as I’m still in love. He was quite overwhelmed by my suggestion and couldn’t give me a straight answer about it, so we’ll check in next week. I think whatever happens it will be OK. Even if I don’t see the sense behind it I’m sure there will be a time when I will. In the morning I felt very confused and just very sad and depressed. It got better after Yoganidra. Actually a lot better and then I talked with Rene about it, which was a great help as well. He saw the things pretty much as they are and did not try to influence me or so, which is very important for me. I still have this heavy feeling on my chest, which is there continously sometimes heavier and sometimes less heavy. But at least I enjoyed the second half of the day, where I was able to laugh and talk with the others. We had our first microlesson today, where we’re supposed to teach certain parts of a yoga session in a small group of 6. We started with the opnening, which includes relaxation, correct meditation pose, Omkar chanting and coming out of the position. It was interesting to see how differently everybody prepared for it. Some people were mantra singing throughout the day some were writing down notes about what they would say and so on. And some people would just show up, see what happens and just decide in the very moment what to do. So did IJ! That was great fun to go so much with the flow. Until my last inhale before opening my mouth I wasn’t quite sure what would come out. I let everything happen intuitively and it worked very well. Of course I was a bit nervous first and thought that my Omkar sounded very shaky as my voice felt very nervous. But the feedback I got was quite nice and apparently my voice was alright. Cool! I hope it stays like that and the next prectices are gonna be fine as well. Tomorrow we gonna do “prepositions”. We’ll see…
Hari Om
P.S. I got a Reiki from Karolina yesterday night, which felt really nice. It’s so nice of her how she is taking care of me now, same with Marg.
November 21st 9pm
Again sooo tired. The last two nights together I got maybe a total of 5 hours sleep. During the day I had so much energy though and I felt really great. I was so flexible, too. I wonder what that is; Marg said it’s my hormones, which raised up now after my period. It was a very long day though. We had an assignement, a microlesson about prepositions (went very well. Again without any preparation;), then mantra-singing (108 times after sunset) and finally singing and dancing at 8pm. This course is so much fun, but also a lot of work! OK, I’ll fall into bed now.
Hari Om
November 22nd 9.30pm
Finally I got some sleep last night. It makes such a difference during the day. I had and still have so much more energy. Today was really awesome by the way. The micro lesson went very well. We had to teach preparatory movements and I did everything spontaneously again, which was perfectly fine. Then we had two lectures about Ayurveda by that totally awesome doctor! Seriously, that man was just so funny and wonderfully enternaining. I just wanna be friends with him. I just came back from the shop (we have a little “shop” here in the Ashram, where you can buy toiletries, healthy snacks and Yoga books. But people mainly come to socialize:). So, there I was talking to Robert about meditation, its different forms and impacts. It was really interesting, cause he knows a lot about it. He does Vipassana since 15 years. I forgot to write that, but yesterday at dinner time Kate suddenly showed up with a plate of traditional Indian sweets and gave it to everyone in the name of my birthday. Sooo sweet! Both the gesture and the cake;) I love this place a lot actually. The energy here is just so good and so balanced. Everybody smiles at you and you smile back. Today I tried the “Scorpion” (it’s a very difficult Asana) for the first time with the help of the wall and it almost worked. Wow! Of, course immediately I was full of bees and totally excited. I think with a little bit of practice I could master it in a couple of weeks. Yay. Concerning Marty and me I’m not sure what to think or feel. Yesterday night Karolina let me pick one of her cards and picked “Bridgette”. But the scary thing is that I picked her now for the second time in one week. The card says “caution! This is not the only way! Let your intuition guide you and don’t be anxious, because something better is waiting for you.” Well, that’s an intense message for the situation that I’m in right now. I guess we’ll see. I feel like the party animal today. I came home at 9.15pm and everybody was sleeping here already. Ashram life is funny!
Hari Om
November 22nd. 9.40pm Monday
Time flies here and no wonder, cause the days are just packed with activities! Today was very hard for all of us, cause our microlesson was on Surya Namaskar and there you have to remember so so many little details that it’s almost impossible to remember everything when you teach for the first time. But I think everybody did well. I ‘m just so exhausted, cause I was practicing it so much, I think I did at least 30-50 Surya Namaskar today that’s tiring! And then I had that phone call from Marty today where he told me that he’s not coming here. On the one hand I kind of suspected that already, but on the other hand I just can’t grasp it (yet?). I mean how can you shift so much because of one phone call?! And I also know that this is just because we’re apart that he’s so scared and feeling weared and all that. So, I was thinking for a moment to fly over if he doesn’t come and to fight for us. But I’m concerned that this behaviour of him getting scared and me getting there (like I already did a month ago) will become pattern in our relationship and that is something that I wouldn’t want. For me this relationship is so much more. I was planning to direct my whole life into that direction and now everything is in the air. I’m not quite sure if Marty is aware of that at all. His whole decision is made out of momentarily feelings and considering us as what we are as a whole. And that makes me crazy! Why doesn’t he just come here and we see then what happens? Even if there are doubts, so what? There’s only one way to find out: Take the risk and see what happens, instead of running away. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been talking about it with Robert, Marg and Karolina, which helps me a lot. They’re just so lovely, wise and caring. Thank you guys:) I hope that the universe will help me to get an answer.
Other than that we have an assignment again tomorrow. Wow, I feel like the days here are getting more and more intense and I’m really looking forward to Wednesday our day off. I also need some hearty food. The last two days weren’t really amazing here.
What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna go? I don’t know! I try to be full of faith, but I’m afraid at times as well. Not only afraid, but also…I can’t give up on all my dreams yet and in most of them Marty plays an important role.
Hari Om
P.S. During Yoganidra my body felt so loaded with energy today-it was amazing! I could feel the flow of energy in every cell so intensely. WOW!
November 23rd 8.30pm Tuesday
So, finally the week is over and I’m really looking forward to our day off. I feel really tired. Today we had an assignment again and so we were studying for it all day long, then asana lesson, then microlesson, then discussion and dinner. I have to go to Nashik again tomorrow though I’m not in the mood for it at all-the noise, the pollution, all the people who want something from you. I hope next week I’ll be able to stay here and check out Trimbauk and the mountains around here. I spoke to Seiko today for the first time. He’s in my microlesson group. It was a really interesting conversation actually. He’s going to Ghana after this to open a Yoga-school there and then we started talking about Tunisia and that he wanted to go there this year, but that they refused his visa. I told him that I might go to teach in Tunisia for the summer and he became very interested in networking and told me about an African Yoga alliance that is just starting to develop at the very moment and that we should try to become part of it. Then we exchanged email-adresses and said that we gonna try to visit each other then. Well, we’ll see.
I had heart burn today during Asanas and I think it was because of some anger that I accumulated during the day. First of all breakfast was too late and not good, then lunch was not good at all either and on top of everything I got really angry about Marty! Interesting how the feelings are shifting through the different stages. Well, today I kept thinking about him randomly and that I just don’t get what’s happening at all. That I still love him so much, that my connection is just so strong and then I had to remember so many situation where we just were so great together and so caring. Especially when I see Sanna and Ilo I have to think of us a lot. They’re so loving to each other and it reminds me so much of us. I keep wondering about any alternative solutions how we can stay together without any major dramas. Uff, this is really hard!
Hari Om
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